Just Manda

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

things have been good, i got called back
for a 2nd interview next week and
a first somewhere else tomarrow

im having an insecure day
why do i try to measure myself
to someone i am not
i despise that

my tech step daughter has fb
and ive been talking to her the last few days
how cute is that, that she still wants to chat with me

to love, is to be free
1:46 PM;

Thursday, February 17, 2011

still debating wether to do a vlog there since its more interactive but eh i dunno

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

to love, is to be free
12:28 PM;

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

You said I was beautiful, you said I was the one
And you said you couldn’t live without me,
you said I was everything you needed
Trust we’d be together,
and that you would never leave me.
　
You started slipping,
days spreading out further,
feeling more empty
Nights alone, my pillow soaked with tears,
where is the man I trusted to come home
Before I know it, you are more vacant,
perfume on your clothes, numbers in your phone
Why are you doing this, why are you leaving,
what about all those nights…you said…
____________________________________
another older poem

vulnerable mind, gentle soul
dont touch me that way again
you make me cringe inside
a thousand lives over again.

dont call me 'doll' or 'sweetheart'
you dont know who i am
all you know is a look and a reaction
but you dont know what kind represents.

my face is of fragile glass
and you shatter it without knowing
i smell just the way you did, but still
a thousand showers will not erase the night.

you say you are man and yet let me walk
3 oclock in the morning and i am running far
far into the night because i wish it never happened
i will fall asleep tonight and wake up still remembering.

you never took the time to understand me
but then classify me in being like every other woman
you will never begin to understand who i am inside
never in a thousand years will you ever know.

to love, is to be free
8:48 PM;

i been hella tired the last few days,

before the other night i hadnt been home

and sleeping in my own bed for like

the last week bcuz we been running around

and over the weekend celebrating bdays

and went out of town for one night

had alot of fun but we know me,

mrs sourpuss was cranky most of saturday

i think my body was just wearing down and

i needed to be STILL if that makes sence

my unemployment should be finally

rolling in and that will help

im steady filling out applications for

my field hoping something will happen

but i can only stay strong for so long,

im tired of stressing and worrying

but always been like that and

dont know how to change it.

oh and vday got lovely written words from the man

i adore handwritten things, since this world is such tech driven

its nice to see real love letter, a physical testiment to love

i love him him all of my heart.

to love, is to be free
3:04 PM;

Ex-husband decided after 2 years

of being seperated that he would pay for divorce

which he was supposed to half a long time ago

but he needed it done asap so woohoo

i wasnt sad, i wasnt happy

it just needed to be done

i have general concern for him

as he said he has been having

anxiety the past few months

and there is just a familiarity there

its not anywhere near final

but at least we started the process !

to love, is to be free
2:56 PM;

Sunday, February 13, 2011

some days i just want to curl up into a ball and cry

to love, is to be free
12:03 PM;

Thursday, February 10, 2011

just feeling kind of bleh lately

my baby has had this rash for a few months

and this last week i started getting same symptoms

and bleh i just dont know whats going on

cause some of them are small bumps

then others are like boils

and i dont have insurance

least he has an appointment

and im hoping his answer will

be my answer and will all be done

have a headache now

eye has been twitching alot again lately

my sleep cycle this week has been crazy

im just pooped !

to love, is to be free
1:29 PM;

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

i really think i need counseling

to get through some of these issues

to love, is to be free
4:45 PM;

Monday, February 7, 2011

sometimes i feel like he deserves more

maybe not more, maybe 'better' is the word

i dont know why or what happened to

have this lingering constantly in my head.

im not very outgoing or confident

but i know how to love and

i believe i do that well

my mind likes to play tricks on me

and sometimes i think i self sabatoge

but i always wonder what will make him stay,

i know men love shiny things and what

if i lose my luster and he sees a glimmer elsewhere

what if im too nice, does he see that

weak and possibly a pushover

i do for those i love and it

tends to be taken advantage of

( DEFINATELY NOT saying he is )

just thinking about the past and relationships

what keeps a man from not straying

or not lying or not keeping his word

i see it way too much these days.

why be in a relationship if your not

happy with the one you have waiting at home

is it fun dodging texts or phone calls

hiding the screen when your online

-smh-

to love, is to be free
6:51 PM;

good weekend as usual, babysat friday night

went out with the man and a friend of his and his girl

then of course superbowl sunday

( go packers !!! )

went to my sisters then watched a movie

got up this morning and got nieces up

and ready for school and dropped em off

then back to sisters for my morning snuggle.

now back at home gunna clean and do some laundry

hope everyone had a great weekend.

to love, is to be free
1:21 PM;

Friday, February 4, 2011

not much to report, lol
rachel and i went to Hiro 88 downtown
for some yummy sushi last night

then i picked up my babe from work
and we headedto one of our many random hotel nights
at ameristar since i get em free

and we watched tv a bit,
i played my coupon and
we were so tired we passed out

this morning slept in, got up ate lunch
went in and gambled again

and ran to store for some lunch items for him
and then took him to work

oh and he got me these

then tonight i am going to baby sit my neices

and do some valentines nails on taylor and

wait for my babe to get off so we can watch movies

and drink a few beers at my sisters for the night.

no bday party in lincoln tonight cause we forgot now

that maine is on second shift, we wouldnt make it to lincoln in time

oh well, there is always next weekend for the other one,

plus i forgot i was babysitting tonight as well

on one last note thought i was possibly ovualting

so we tried our best, lol and i take a test this sunday

*fingers crossed*

lots of love for a safe and happy weekend

-xoxo

manda

to love, is to be free
12:50 PM;

Thursday, February 3, 2011

I had two job interviews last week

and alas they both called back and said

that they hired someone else for the position.

its been 3 months now im and getting

more and more discouraged as time goes on.

the more time that goes by without a job

is more time that goes by that me and my babe

wont have a sanctuary to call our own

and we need that.

i could look for non medical jobs yes

but its what i went to school for and it

pays a little more then regular jobs and

thats what i was used to the last 3 years

plus i still have a carpayment to deal with.

ugh. i need some kind words or summin !!

so now gettin ready to go have sushi with the bestie.

-xoxo

to love, is to be free
2:02 PM;

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

its funny to me when an ex contacts you
and says more than friendly things

EXs are EXamples of what u dont want,
you all know who it is im in love with.

but to be honest i wish i could pick out
and piece together the perfect parts for a relationship.

from all the ones in the past and add on
a few i'd like or i havnt been witness to.

of course im sure there are things he doesnt like
about me or things he would change

so i cant be afraid to say it myself, right.

I am not the prettiest lady,

by far not the thinnest,

I dont pride myself on material things
or have to be the loudest to get noticed.

I am shy and meek, humble and grateful.

I am not the party,
I am a quite night at home with wine and the remote,

that doesnt make me boring or lackluster,
it makes me a mystery,

My mind works in ways one could never imagine
and most likely wouldnt even want to.

I have had my wild ways
and nights that turned into days, its just no longer me.

I dont want to conform to societies standard of beauty,

the size of my heart, doesnt measure up in media mathematics.

Don't lust for my perfections,
love me for my flaws.

Because when you are tattered goods,
it definately means the most,

and no one can see the beauty
when you are standing in the dark.

-manda

xoxo

to love, is to be free
5:58 PM;

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

weather has been pretty back and forth lately

but today has been pretty damn cold

i was able to go get my babe from work early

cause i was a little worried on how the roads were.

now i am home and warm and cozy but all alone,

i wish i was snuggling up next to him for the night.

he makes me feel safe, warm and i dont have to worry

about anything when im wrapped in his arms.

i love that feeling,

he has definately become a knight in shining armour for me,

but yall know how i am,

how long before that armour is tarnished.

smh at myself, ill look back one day and kick myself in the ass,

i know i will.

thats ok, im waiting for it. because when that day happens,

when i can completely let my gaurd down and breathe,

it will pretty much be spectacular.

-goodnight and sweet dreams

xoxo

to love, is to be free
7:27 PM;